Holding On and Letting Go

*Picture of Me (Sherie) and Derek by Connor

As a part of my class I am to write down what I want my closest relationships to look like.  What did I discover?  I discovered that I have held on to an old hurt that had me thinking one way when there has been plenty of evidence that my tightly held conclusion was wrong!  It is time to let that one go!

I was endeavoring to write what I wanted my closest relationships to look like by only talking about things I am in control of.  It is easy to see where I wish someone else would change, but it is not helpful.  The helpful thing is deciding what I want and need and figuring out how I can get that want or need met without the need for the other person to change.  Maybe they will change if I change, but maybe not.  My job is to love them the way they are -- not to make them different.

Of course, if I had an abusive relationship, it would be my job to get to safety, but otherwise it is just my job to love them, not to change them.  It is very freeing to realize that I have more control of my life than I sometimes think.  I can choose what to think (though that takes practice) and how to react.  I have agency so I can choose to act and, as much as possible, not let myself be acted upon.

I will just point out that this sounds a lot easier than it may be -- but it is helpful to keep trying to take charge of who we are and who we want to be!

Fear Loves Tomorrow

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

I am reading a book called Declare War on Fear by Jeremy Johnson.  I have found it quite interesting and as I was reading yesterday I came across the words "Fear loves tomorrow" which I think is absolutely true.  I am really good at putting off until tomorrow (and the next tomorrow and the one after that) things that I am nervous about doing.

Yesterday as I read I thought of the item that has been continuously on my "to do" list lately -- make a video to go on my "Growing Great With Grandma" YouTube channel.  I have made videos before, but I have not really edited any videos for a long time, and I don't even know what program I used to use and so I needed to find one and figure out how to use it!  My channel has had zero videos for months!

So that one sentence got me moving.  I made a video of grandma on a bear hunt.  It took quite a while for me to figure out how to get it from my phone to my computer.  Then I ended up trying two different video editing programs.  Jake sat down with me while I figured out the one that ended up working and I giggled a bit at myself -- usually at the things I ended up editing out.  Perhaps my bloopers are more funny than the story!

It was good to be reminded that fear loves tomorrow and I am working to overcome the fear that keeps me from trying!  Hopefully, I will get better with time.

https://youtu.be/P-dy-OT9qYo?si=fYxvggq5qnYFseeZ

Meaningful and Compassionate

Someone left this little lamb in our mailbox on Easter.
Isn't it cute!  It makes me smile when I see it and am thankful
for the anonymous person who left it.

I read a quote today that says:

"In the pursuit of happiness, we should focus on those things that are meaningful, as opposed to things that are simply pleasurable. By finding meaning, we not only create happiness or happy moments, we sustain happiness over the course of a lifetime." 

When I was trying to decide what counted as meaningful I got a little stuck.  Thanks to my class, I know that sometimes there are other words that mean the same, or similar things that might work better for me and so I looked on wordhippo.com.

Here are some words I liked:  purposeful, essential, worthwhile, useful, good, impactful, needed, valuable, and generous.

There are so many good things I can choose from everyday, and the trick is deciding what I can do with how I am feeling that day.  Sometimes I have lots of energy to do good things that are worthwhile, purposeful, valuable, etc..  Other days there are circumstances that make doing anything "useful", or "impactful" or any of those good adjectives hard.

Sometimes, maybe the most meaningful thing I can choose to do is give myself grace and compassion instead of beating myself up over what I failed to do.  Maybe it is doing something really small, because that is all I have the energy for.  And after I do that thing, focusing on what I did do, and not what I did not manage to do.

Today is maybe a little in between.  I am tired and have the same annoying headache that I've had for a few days, but I also feel just fine otherwise and there are plenty of good things I can actually manage to accomplish.  No matter what today looks like for you, I hope you will know that you are valuable no matter what you can or cannot accomplish, and that you will also know that you are loved.

Fear Is A Liar

Photo by Jaqueline Fritz on Unsplash

The blog title I chose is actually the title of a song by Zach Williams, but I chose this topic because this week in my class we are talking about overcoming fear.  I have an assignment to write five things I have learned from fear.  This is an interesting thing to think about!  Here are some of the things I came up with:

1.  Fear can stop progress.  If we have made mistakes or sinned, we can fear we are too unworthy, or are worthless, and stay stuck.  If we are afraid of trying things that are out of our comfort zone, we avoid learning new things, or trying things we might enjoy.  Instead we stay stuck where we are -- missing out on things we might love, people we might meet, and help that we are all worthy of.

2.  Choosing our direction based on what we are least afraid of can actually create shame.  For example, when I was trying to choose what to major in in college I would look at a major, and what classes were required, and if I thought some might be scary, embarrassing, or too hard, I would look at a different major.  I ended up majoring in Family Living, which is a combination of Psychology, Sociology, and Family Science and graduating with a Bachelor of Arts, but even though it wasn't really easy, I always had a hard time feeling proud of my accomplishment because I had chosen based on fear.

3.  Fear of what people might think can keep us from being our authentic selves, and make it so we try to "fit in" instead of standing out for who we are.

4.  I have also found that when I fear what someone else thinks, I am often projecting how I feel about myself in that moment, or projecting the things about me I don't have confidence in.  When I think Derek is disappointed with me it is pretty much 100% of the time because I am disappointed in me!

5.  Working our way through our fears can, and I think usually does, make us stronger.

What have you learned from fear?

The Gift of Bird Song

This is our front door
with its wreath.

Yesterday we had the window in the family room open to let in some fresh air.  At some point we heard the beautiful song of a bird (not a Western Bluebird -- they like to yell).  It was a back window open, but the sound was coming from the front.  No matter which window we looked out, we didn't see a bird.

Later, after a walk, I was pulling a few weeds and decided to go in.  As I got closer to the front door I saw a couple of birds sitting in the wreath!  They were our singers!  I had Derek come and see, and we accidentally scared them away.

This morning Derek said, "It's like watching a shadow show."  He was looking out the front door from inside and could see at least one bird hopping around.  They were singing beautifully on and off throughout the day.  

The wreath looks like it was made from a forsythia bush, but it is fake flowers.  We have a real forsythia bush not far away, but I guess they like the fake forsythia on the door better.  Who knows what will happen next, but for now I am thankful for something a little different, and the beautiful gift of bird song.

This is the door from inside this morning.

This is the closer up blurry version
with our singing bird friend.

Be Not Faithless But Believing

Brigham and one of his chickens.

Emily
When I see a child, it is especially easy for me to believe in God.

Having Faith in Jesus Christ is a choice.  Some days it may be an easy choice, and some days it can be hard.  It is especially hard if I can't see the purpose in a trial I have, or the trial a friend has, or the challenge a child has.  The good thing is, if I deliberately choose Jesus Christ in even the hardest times He is there with me.  He sends the Holy Ghost to comfort and guide me.  Sometimes He sends earthly angels, or heavenly ones.  Sometimes He gives a miracle, even if it is a different miracle than I was looking for.

Today is a good day for me.  It is beautiful outside and peaceful inside.  I have had time to write and sing and study.  Today faith in Jesus does not seem hard, but on days when it does I try to remember to "be not faithless but believing".  When I have made that choice during hard times, there has been comfort, and help, and hope, and even peace.

May you feel blessed today, and know that God loves you!

The Motion of a Hidden Fire

I was looking at pictures of fire, but since I mentioned hidden fire
I went with this sky that looks a little like it's on fire.
Photo by Tengyart on Unsplash

 (The Title is a quote from Prayer is the Soul's Sincere Desire)

After trying a few different things, I have settled on beginning my days by getting up and opening the curtains in my room.  I then sit cross legged on my bed and look out at the wonder that is Mount Loafer, and whatever wildlife I can see.  I take a few moments to be quiet, and to think about all of the variety there is in this world.  Even though my view is the "same" every day -- there is usually something unique.  Some mornings it is brown, some it is white, some green, sometimes a mixture.  The deer can be grazing below, or above, and there are a variety of birds that swoop around.

After enjoying my view I close my eyes and try to focus on my breathing.  Naturally, my mind usually wanders, but that is okay.  Eventually I talk to my Father in Heaven.  I give him gratitude, and tell Him my plans, and ask if He has anything to add (or subtract).  Mostly, I just try to soak up the peace of knowing Heavenly Father and Jesus love me so that I can, hopefully, carry that with me throughout the day.

Some days the time I spend is shorter, some longer, some more effective than others, but it has been a blessing to take a few moments to find peace.  I try to remember to focus on gratitude a lot.  Elder Holland said that "gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder."  He also pointed out that we can pray about anything, anytime.  We can pray out loud, or in our mind.  Heavenly Father ALWAYS hears.

I gave the blog the title "the motion of a hidden fire" because I liked this poetic description of prayer.  Perhaps the hidden fire is love of God, which comes out in praise to Him.  Perhaps it is faith, which we show when we pray and listen and do.  Perhaps the fire is the Holy Ghost coming to us as we focus on our Savior.  

Some days I may not feel like praying.  At times like that it is extra important that I start praying and don't stop until I do feel like praying.  I am certainly not perfect at any of this, but I hope that I can continue to take the time to find a few moments of peace, gratitude and love in the mornings.  It is a great way to start out the day!

The Rules of Words

You can tell by looking at these two pictures, taken in my office,
that I like words.  And maybe also by the fact that I write a lot:-)

This letter board was a gift from Connor and Amanda

I am taking a 12 week class with my friend Shannon and today I listened to the video introducing the Rules of Words.  I like words -- at least a lot of words.  The rules of words are rules to help us talk to ourselves more positively -- in a way that keeps us moving forward instead of staying stuck.

Rule #1:  First Person:  I can only change me and so there is no use talking about how someone else "should" change.

Rule #2:  Present Tense:  I am -- not I want to be.  There was some lesson on how the brain works and if we put what we think into future tense, after a while our brain ignores it because it isn't relevant right this minute.  (I've given my own thoughts on I am statements before.  Since I AM is what God called himself, it is best if we only put good qualities after those words, and that will help us become more like Him.)

Rule #3:  Claim what you want:  "I treat everyone with kindness."  "I treat myself with compassion."  "I am great at learning new things!"

Rule #4:  Remove Trigger words:  This was an interesting exercise where the teacher listed words (rather speedily I might add) and if the word made us have a good feeling we put it in the "power word" column.  If we had a negative feeling show up with a word, we put it in the trigger word column.  If there was no feeling or we were waffling, we didn't put it in a column.  

The instructor had a negative reaction to "balanced".  She realized that people always ask her how she balances it all -- and she feels like she doesn't, and she doesn't know how to respond.  She looked up synonyms and came up with the word "harmony" to use in the place of balance.  There are ebbs and flows, crescendos and decrescendos, various speeds, holds and rests, and that fits the way she likes to think of the way she handles life.

Another of my instructors is triggered by the word "goals" and so he uses different words to describe what might usually be described as goals.  

Some of my trigger words were:  perfect, qualified, reasonable, and successful.  I don't think I'm overly triggered by any of the words listed

Rule #5:  Add Power Words:  This exercise was really up my alley since I have a list of words that I like to think about in my book of lists.  We were supposed to pick our top five power words, and then if they stop serving us, we choose different ones.   Our top five are to be written every morning in a sentence.  Mine is, "I am resourceful, encouraging, inclusive, optimistic, and vibrant -- though I'm still waffling a tad on that last one.  I guess the question I ask myself is, "Can someone who is often low in energy be vibrant?"  I am going with yes because, well because I want to!

There Is Beauty All Around

Picture from the Anasazi Trail just Past Santa Clara, UT

Fascinating and perhaps a tad creepy!

Derek's parents told us about this hike and so Derek and I went off on a very beautiful Spring day and hiked up to the petroglyphs.  We were glad we went and it was a very enjoyable part of a very good trip!

Grandma's Mountain

Pulpit Rock
(Though maybe my cousins remember the name differently)

When I was young we often got to go to my Grandma and Grandpa's house in LaVerkin.  This was pretty much always an awesome thing to get to do.  Cousins frequently came too and we spent a lot of time playing together, and climbing up what we called Grandma's mountain.  It is interesting to go back.  Things that once seemed huge don't seem as big anymore, but it is still impressive to me that so many of us climbed around on that mountain without getting hurt very badly.  I think the worst injury that happened at my grandma's house actually happened playing red rover on the lawn!

I do remember getting bitten by ants, and I know that there were a few run-ins with cacti, but nobody fell off a cliff, or broke any bones on the mountain that I know about!  I remember stepping on a rock and hearing a rattle snake once -- and deciding there had to be another way down the mountain.  What adventures we had!  We used our imagination creating our own forts or hide-aways and we came up with names for things.  Today Derek and I climbed around a little (which turns out to be a little hard while holding a drink).  I'm pretty sure I found a rock that some of us called "Pulpit Rock".  Or maybe it was "Church rock" but I'm not sure.  It was fun to be there, and I wished for more time to climb up farther.  I do think I was in better shape as a child!

One of my favorite things is always going up high and looking down.
This wasn't really very high.  It is above where my Grandma's old house is.
The street to the left and some of the buildings below weren't there
back in the good old days!

Just a look in a little bit different direction.

This is Derek at Pulpit Rock.  He told our kids that
this is "where the righteous kids pretended to
deliver grand sermons".  I'll just go with that.

The Glucose Revolution

I am not on Instagram and that is where "The Glucose Goddess" has a lot of followers that she teaches the benefits of keeping your glucose levels as even as possible.  There are many testimonials.  I heard about her through Kayli and Shannon who both told me about her book Glucose Revolution.  This was months ago, and I told my sister Tina about it even though I hadn't read it.  She read it and was intrigued, and convinced enough to try at least some of what the author recommended and so I finally picked it up and read it.  I was surprised to find it fascinating and hopeful.  If eating things in a different order, and learning about how to avoid Glucose Spikes can help my flagging energy levels then I am all for it!

The author is Jessie Inchauspe and once a glucometer was invented she started wearing one even though she isn't diabetic.  She was a part of an experiment, but also did some experimenting on herself.  Her book is full of graphs that show what caused glucose spikes and what made it so that the same food could be eaten with less of a spike.  There are ten "hacks" that you use as often as you can.  The first one is that you eat food in a certain order.  First you eat fiber, and then protein and fats, and last are the carbs.  I've been trying it since Saturday.  I don't feel a ton more energetic, but I sure don't feel worse and at least I feel like I learned interesting things and that, in the long run, they will be helpful for my health in general.

Showing Up

The one picture I took on our
walk in Santaquin Canyon
yesterday.

I just have a quick thought.  Whenever possible it is good to show up for people when they are going through a rough time.  It is good to show up to help celebrate happy times too.  It makes a difference and lets people know they matter.  People have shown up for me a lot and it has helped me to feel loved and cared for.  I like to show up for others too and hope I will get better and better at it with practice!

Things That I Enjoy

• 

  Photo by Patrick Schrödter on Unsplash

  Babies
• Children laughing
• Children singing
• Birds
• Mountains
• Trees covered in frosty white
• Rainbows
• The ocean moving in and out with the waves
• Crocuses poking up through the snow
• Deer bounding across a field
• Tall mountains
• Waterfalls
• Storm clouds
• Blue sky and sunshine!
• Soft pillows and cozy blankets
• Fire -- in a fireplace or fire pit
• Quilts
• Abundant flowers
• Flowers that grow in unlikely places -- like the cracks in cement
• Mail (of the non bill or junk mail variety)
• Love notes
• Listening to my children laugh together
• Warm homemade bread with butter and honey
• An acoustic guitar paired with a beautiful voice
• Soft rugs
• Rustic furniture
• A view from up high
• Wooden things
• Antiques
• Singing
• Dancing
• A good book
• pictures of nature
• Swinging
• Playing Princess (my puppet)
• Visiting with friends
• Lamp light
• Family
• Creating order and beauty
• Going for a drive
• Meandering through the woods
• Building a snowman
• Candlelight
• Thrift Shopping
• Quiet moments like this one to contemplate the many gifts God has given me.